Another face in the opaque crowd searching for some translucence to diffuse and project his myriad thoughts through this utterly abhorrent state of lame rigidity.

Friday, April 30, 2010

S.I.N. (Shit In News)

A recent U.N. survey shows that there are more cellphones in India than toilets.

So let's reflect on it.

The Government  Of  India will ban the following sentences. People will be fined Rs. 200 if heard saying these in public( ah,the smoking in public places ban)  :

1. Dude,are you shitting me?
2. Oh,you're pissing me off.
3. Holy shit! (blasphemy too)
4. I'll beat the crap out of you.
5. Even a child saying to his mother, "Mom, I need to go to potty".
so on, any sentence that involves a synonym of human excreta in whichever language.
et cetera.
People will have to start inventing new words so that they don't get caught. This will encourage creativity, but soon Government will term them illegal and there will be large scale probes. People signing up for foreign language courses will see a rise. (C'mon swearing with especially shit and its likes have become inseparable from the so called modern peoples' lives, we need  some alternatives at least) Translators, high profile detectives will be hired so that no one can say 'shit' or 'piss' even in any remotely possible language.
Population problem will take a back seat. We have to achieve the targets set by the U.N. and show the world that we answer nature's call in our own toilets. (Grow up, more the people more the shit, and more the need of toilets. So population will never cease to be a problem.)

Two people are 'shitting' sitting side by side in the open(yes Indian style obviously,although there's no fixed boundary for dropping the shit. What did you expect,a commode?). They have recently watched LSD(Love Sex aur Dhokha) and they found it amusing, they have turned techno geeks and well, being Bengalis they never miss a chance to discuss state politics.
Person 1 : Hey,wassup?
Person 2 : Nothing up. Just dropping down some shit.
Person 1 : LOL. Have you watched the movie L.S.D. I watched it recently.
Person 2 : Yes, I have. The name attracted me. Story of my life. Never mind, I shouldn't divulge my personal life to you.
Person 1 : I see. Bunk it. Oh the camerawork of the movie was great.
Person 2 : Seconded. Have to give credit to the director for taking such realistic and raw shots.
Person 1 : Yes,true. Err,what was the name of the director? Can't remember his name.
Person 2 : Oh,me too. Some Banerjee. Lemme check it out on my cell.
Person 1 : Yeah right. That'll be good.
Person 2 : Damn! Poor reception. God knows when 3G will replace GSM in India.
Person 1 : Ohh. What's your service provider?
Person 2 : Vodafone.
Person 1 : Ok,lemme try. Mine's Airtel. Ah,here it is. It's Dibakar Banerjee.
(Suddenly, realising something, they look at each other with frozen expressions)
Person 2 : What if, we're being shot right now?
Person 1 : You're right. I've never given it much thought. But now that you say it, I am scared.
Person 2 : I don't want my butt cheeks surrounded with mosquitoes being shown to people. That reminds me, the good knight mosquito repelling cream is good.
Person 1 : Don't worry. On other thoughts, I think it's okay. What's the harm in being famous and getting a little publicity for doing what we do everyday, 'shit'.
(The face of the other person lightens up)
Person 2 : What do you think will be the name of the movie?
Person 1 : S.F.I. (Shit Full India) which will be followed by a sequel of the same initials S.F.I. (Shit Free India). But the sequel will have to wait. There's a bleak chance that our grandchildren, when they become grandfathers might get to watch the second one, which shall be directed by the grandchild of the present S.F.I. director.
Person 2 : No. I don't like the name. It's so Leftist. S.F.I.
Person 1 : What do you suggest? C.P. (Crapping People). Okay, let's leave that to the time of the release. If it's pre 2011 it'll be S.F.I. and if it's post 2011 it'll be C.P. Happy! God,I'm apolitical.
[S.F.I. - Students' Federation Of India(Left), C.P.- Chatra Parishad(Trinamul Congress)]
Person 2 : By the way, I was thing of changing my service provider to Idea.
Person 1 : Why?
Person 2 : I liked their new advertisement. The one that says save trees, use your cell phone. If there are no trees left, how can we feel this bliss when we 'shit' amidst nature.
Person 1: I would like to think otherwise. I wish we could shit with our cell phones. They show in the advertisement that almost everything can be done through our cell phones.  I don't know if it'll ever become a reality. But let's be optimistic about it.
Person 2 : Maybe. I like to do my thing in nature. Anyway, I am finished. See you tomorrow.
Person 1 : Ciao!

Folks, let's look at the brighter side of things. In today's world, where people are becoming more and more lonely, it's 'shit'(yes shit,not facebook) that brings two random strangers together to have real conversations. (How,pathetic!)

New headlines for newspapers. :
->All charges against Lalit Modi dropped, as he has promised the government that he'll organise a 'Sanitation Fundraiser'. (Really, 'what an idea sirjee'. Hopefully crappy corruption will not stand in the way of 'shit' at least. Let's not be too skeptical and observant. We know our country. Apparently, 'Ignorance Is Bliss') 'The IPL is the proof that he's a good businessman. Now let him put those skills to work foo some common good.' as said by a cabinet minister.
->Shashi Tharoor, a learned man he is, comes to the limelight again, with his new satirical explanations of the present 'sanitation scenario' of India.
->Shahrukh Khan expresses his grief on twitter for the large scale constipation in Bengal due to KKR's losses. (the government expresses BIG sighs of relief. Thank God! less shit) The Knight Rider song changed to "Korbo Lorbo Ha*** re" (please guess the incomplete word. If you aren't a Bengali, ask a Bengali friend of yours. (S)he 'll surely know it.)
->ISRO puts it's heart and soul in correcting their faults in the indigenous cryogenic engine for their satellite, so that they can send the satellite loaded with shit to dispense it in the space ASAP. Yay! We'll have a big mass of shit orbiting our Earth. Oh, the shit satellite.

Okay. Enough of shitting around. Need to control my bowel movements now. I'll add to this post if anything else crosses my mind; err,my colon,later.
 But, I request people to at least spare a thought over this issue. It's a serious one.

p.s. - All proper nouns used in this post are solely for the purpose of humour. Didn't mean them to be derogatory and I hope people won't comprehend them otherwise. Please ignore, petty mis-informations(there are some). I am an ignorant ill-informed Indian, you see.(wow! a long alliteration)