Another face in the opaque crowd searching for some translucence to diffuse and project his myriad thoughts through this utterly abhorrent state of lame rigidity.

Friday, April 30, 2010

S.I.N. (Shit In News)

A recent U.N. survey shows that there are more cellphones in India than toilets.

So let's reflect on it.

The Government  Of  India will ban the following sentences. People will be fined Rs. 200 if heard saying these in public( ah,the smoking in public places ban)  :

1. Dude,are you shitting me?
2. Oh,you're pissing me off.
3. Holy shit! (blasphemy too)
4. I'll beat the crap out of you.
5. Even a child saying to his mother, "Mom, I need to go to potty".
so on, any sentence that involves a synonym of human excreta in whichever language.
et cetera.
People will have to start inventing new words so that they don't get caught. This will encourage creativity, but soon Government will term them illegal and there will be large scale probes. People signing up for foreign language courses will see a rise. (C'mon swearing with especially shit and its likes have become inseparable from the so called modern peoples' lives, we need  some alternatives at least) Translators, high profile detectives will be hired so that no one can say 'shit' or 'piss' even in any remotely possible language.
Population problem will take a back seat. We have to achieve the targets set by the U.N. and show the world that we answer nature's call in our own toilets. (Grow up, more the people more the shit, and more the need of toilets. So population will never cease to be a problem.)

Two people are 'shitting' sitting side by side in the open(yes Indian style obviously,although there's no fixed boundary for dropping the shit. What did you expect,a commode?). They have recently watched LSD(Love Sex aur Dhokha) and they found it amusing, they have turned techno geeks and well, being Bengalis they never miss a chance to discuss state politics.
Person 1 : Hey,wassup?
Person 2 : Nothing up. Just dropping down some shit.
Person 1 : LOL. Have you watched the movie L.S.D. I watched it recently.
Person 2 : Yes, I have. The name attracted me. Story of my life. Never mind, I shouldn't divulge my personal life to you.
Person 1 : I see. Bunk it. Oh the camerawork of the movie was great.
Person 2 : Seconded. Have to give credit to the director for taking such realistic and raw shots.
Person 1 : Yes,true. Err,what was the name of the director? Can't remember his name.
Person 2 : Oh,me too. Some Banerjee. Lemme check it out on my cell.
Person 1 : Yeah right. That'll be good.
Person 2 : Damn! Poor reception. God knows when 3G will replace GSM in India.
Person 1 : Ohh. What's your service provider?
Person 2 : Vodafone.
Person 1 : Ok,lemme try. Mine's Airtel. Ah,here it is. It's Dibakar Banerjee.
(Suddenly, realising something, they look at each other with frozen expressions)
Person 2 : What if, we're being shot right now?
Person 1 : You're right. I've never given it much thought. But now that you say it, I am scared.
Person 2 : I don't want my butt cheeks surrounded with mosquitoes being shown to people. That reminds me, the good knight mosquito repelling cream is good.
Person 1 : Don't worry. On other thoughts, I think it's okay. What's the harm in being famous and getting a little publicity for doing what we do everyday, 'shit'.
(The face of the other person lightens up)
Person 2 : What do you think will be the name of the movie?
Person 1 : S.F.I. (Shit Full India) which will be followed by a sequel of the same initials S.F.I. (Shit Free India). But the sequel will have to wait. There's a bleak chance that our grandchildren, when they become grandfathers might get to watch the second one, which shall be directed by the grandchild of the present S.F.I. director.
Person 2 : No. I don't like the name. It's so Leftist. S.F.I.
Person 1 : What do you suggest? C.P. (Crapping People). Okay, let's leave that to the time of the release. If it's pre 2011 it'll be S.F.I. and if it's post 2011 it'll be C.P. Happy! God,I'm apolitical.
[S.F.I. - Students' Federation Of India(Left), C.P.- Chatra Parishad(Trinamul Congress)]
Person 2 : By the way, I was thing of changing my service provider to Idea.
Person 1 : Why?
Person 2 : I liked their new advertisement. The one that says save trees, use your cell phone. If there are no trees left, how can we feel this bliss when we 'shit' amidst nature.
Person 1: I would like to think otherwise. I wish we could shit with our cell phones. They show in the advertisement that almost everything can be done through our cell phones.  I don't know if it'll ever become a reality. But let's be optimistic about it.
Person 2 : Maybe. I like to do my thing in nature. Anyway, I am finished. See you tomorrow.
Person 1 : Ciao!

Folks, let's look at the brighter side of things. In today's world, where people are becoming more and more lonely, it's 'shit'(yes shit,not facebook) that brings two random strangers together to have real conversations. (How,pathetic!)

New headlines for newspapers. :
->All charges against Lalit Modi dropped, as he has promised the government that he'll organise a 'Sanitation Fundraiser'. (Really, 'what an idea sirjee'. Hopefully crappy corruption will not stand in the way of 'shit' at least. Let's not be too skeptical and observant. We know our country. Apparently, 'Ignorance Is Bliss') 'The IPL is the proof that he's a good businessman. Now let him put those skills to work foo some common good.' as said by a cabinet minister.
->Shashi Tharoor, a learned man he is, comes to the limelight again, with his new satirical explanations of the present 'sanitation scenario' of India.
->Shahrukh Khan expresses his grief on twitter for the large scale constipation in Bengal due to KKR's losses. (the government expresses BIG sighs of relief. Thank God! less shit) The Knight Rider song changed to "Korbo Lorbo Ha*** re" (please guess the incomplete word. If you aren't a Bengali, ask a Bengali friend of yours. (S)he 'll surely know it.)
->ISRO puts it's heart and soul in correcting their faults in the indigenous cryogenic engine for their satellite, so that they can send the satellite loaded with shit to dispense it in the space ASAP. Yay! We'll have a big mass of shit orbiting our Earth. Oh, the shit satellite.

Okay. Enough of shitting around. Need to control my bowel movements now. I'll add to this post if anything else crosses my mind; err,my colon,later.
 But, I request people to at least spare a thought over this issue. It's a serious one.

p.s. - All proper nouns used in this post are solely for the purpose of humour. Didn't mean them to be derogatory and I hope people won't comprehend them otherwise. Please ignore, petty mis-informations(there are some). I am an ignorant ill-informed Indian, you see.(wow! a long alliteration)


  1. If it's completely original, it's great work. Though the part of the conversation since the Idea part, seemed to be unnecessarily dragging on the same topic, but never mind. The beginning was good. The end was good. What else can you ask for? Ahh yes, re-read your posts before "posting" them. A lot of punctuation, and grammatical mistakes. I know I make them too. But we enevr lose a chance to criticise, do we? :P ;)

  2. Yes. Good point. I need to revise my posts thoroughly before publishing them. It's completely original. Why else would I write it in my blog? Plagiarizing is not my cup of tea. Had I taken excerpts from elsewhere I would have given them their due credits.

  3. Plagiarizing is everyone's cup of tea. That's the reason I'm never against it. The entire concept of education is plagiarising, legally. Why else are we made to learn A,B,C,D,E....? Why don't we have the task of inventing a new alphabet, ourselves? A new language, on our own? Anything. I read in a Russian book (Durgapur e gele mone korash, niye ashbo) that in a school, the students were given an assignment to design a new language (that could be decoded). It was an ingenius thing. Everything we learn, has been discovered/invented by someone else. Everything. So, plagiarising is more than justified.

  4. Plagiarism, as defined in the 1995 Random House Compact Unabridged Dictionary, is the "use or close imitation of the language and thoughts of another author and the representation of them as one's own original work."

    When we learn and use the English alphabet never for once do we say that the work is our own. A language is a tool of expression just like chisels and hammers are tools for crafting objects; or like the paintbrushes and colours are tools for painting. Their usage can't be termed as plagiarism. As using information from books are concerned, if something is directly taken from a book, they are written within quotes and credits are given to the original author and here too, even if we don't give the credits we don't claim to have invented them.
    We use Newton's laws of motion but don't say that the laws had been formulated by us.
    Moreover, by what you say, if each person had to invent a new language for himself, the very concept of language being a means of communication would have been largely disrupted.
    I am not against borrowing ideas from a source and expressing them in your own flavour.
    Plagiarism is a different thing.
    Just because Sir Arthur Conan Doyle had created a sleuth, doesn't mean any other sleuth created by another author in future is plagiarised.
    Adam and Eve engaged in sexual intercourse which resulted in a baby being born doesn't make their successors doing the same being termed as plagiarism.

  5. *When we learn and use the English alphabet never for once do we say that 'it had been created by us.'

  6. If plagiarism is the "use or close imitation of the language and thoughts of another author and the representation of them as one's own original work.", any other sleuth created by another author is plagiarism, any other couple but engaging in sexual intercourse is plagiarism. Using chisels and hammers, paintbrushes and colours, they're all plagiarism. Strictly, keeping to the definition, they all are.
    I agree that if everyone had to invent their own language, the very purpose of language would be disrupted. But, that doesn't make the use of a language, invented by pre-historic men anything but plagiarism.
    We can postpone the fight. :P ;)

  7. Using someone elses work is not plagiarism. Proclaiming that it is mine is. For example when I write in English I don't say that this is my language, I have invented this, or name it anything but English.
    By what you say the whole process of learning and knowing, precisely education is a hoax and mere imitations of previous works. All subsequent inventions have been made making use of previous inventions. Hence only the Earth, or the Universe or God knows what is the ONLY invention. The rest are plagiarisms.


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