The bus started advancing. She reclined in her seat. Soon, within a few stops the bus got jam-packed with people. The uncouth unease of the congested bus did not bother her. She mused about mundane affairs such as how the sun rises everyday from the east and sets in the west; about inane things such as trying to calculate the diameter of Obelix’s tummy through imaginary tools of measurement. She yawned; she struggled to keep her somnolent eyes open. She was desperately trying to stay awake as she feared that she would miss her stop, moreover she found it embarrassing to doze off in a bus full of people. People were already noticing the half sleepy girl at the last seat; their stares had an overdose of resentment incurring invidious wrath; how dare she have forty winks in such a hot and humid weather, how can she be so heedless and sit there with such sheer complacence, when they were perspiring profusely and were burdened with so many worries.
The bus driver increased the pace; the bus ran wildly like a stallion in the desolate street. The setting sun winked at her through the trees, the light teased her eyes, played with her state of sleepy helplessness. She got annoyed, blinked her eyes, and pulled up a hand of hers to shield her eyes from the apparently harsh rays of the sun. Warm air was hitting her face, and it was pretty vexing too. She let her mind wander and wonder about anything and everything possible, so that the randomness of her thoughts undergoing destructive interferences produced tumultuous wicked noises, banging all the twenty two bones of her skull to keep her awake. Yes, she was a cantankerous egotist; she would even let her own thoughts murder her but would not stop complaining about the elements of nature tickling her. However, all her efforts and the efforts of nature were going in vain; she was trying to stop a moving train with her bare hands. She forced a stare with her bloodshot eyes at the distant sky where suddenly she saw black clouds appear out of nowhere, which were soon looming over head.
From warm air to cool air, she felt the transition and loved it. Nature, as if like her loyal lover, teased her for a while and was now making up to her for the mischief. The cool breeze hit her face. She closed her eyes. She quit thinking. She leaned her head sideway against the bus. The breeze ruffled her hair; the strands of her hair were dancing to the tune of the enchanting and rejuvenating zephyr, inveigled dexterously by it. It appeared as if nature was a passionate lover tugging at her hair, pushing her back and blowing cool moist air from his mouth to ease the irritation of her gentle skin brought by the warm air before. She relaxed. She knew she had reached her threshold and gave up on her efforts to keep away her already postponed siesta. She broke free of the realms of reality and drowned into the sweet plethora of fantasy. The caring windy lover ran his breezy fingers through her hair and cuddled her with his spiralling motions of airy hands. She slept like a child and nature sighed seeing her.
The bus kept moving; like her it couldn’t take a break from the wakeful state, even if it wanted to. The bus neared the stop where she was supposed to get down. She didn’t even stir; not showing a sign of getting up. Like a responsible lover nature called her name in his heavy thunderous voice to wake her up. She did not show any movement other than a feeble twitch in her face. Nature got worried; he had to do something to wake her up. It started drizzling. Tiny drops of water landed on her forehead, they moved down on her face embracing and her eyelids, tingling her with their brisk touches; the humble drops rolled down her cheeks gracing and damping them like innocent tears of happiness; leaving trails of their passionate touches the drops reached her lips and broke into an amorous kiss. She trembled a little in her sleep. Nature, a graceful lover he was could not have considered being harsh with his object of affection, yet he had no choice but to do something drastic to wake her up. It started poring heavily. He manoeuvred the huge drops of rain with the wind in such a way that they won’t hit her pretty face but hug her neck and rouse her with outright passion, and fervent compassion for sabotaging her slumber. She shivered. Drops of water dripped from her hair, she was almost completely drenched. Finally she opened her eyes. She was little worried about her getting soaked to the skin, rather she was delighted.
She didn’t have a hint that her stop was approaching. She sat there cosily in her seat. Nature got annoyed at how imprudent his loved one can be. Still, like a benevolent lover he made his last attempt to bring her back to senses. The rain stopped abruptly. She was slightly astonished but didn’t pay much heed. Nature made everything still; he made sure that there was enough quietude so that her auditory nerves can pick up the stimulus of the utterance of the name of the next stop by the conductor’s vocal chords’ oscillations. She stared at the sky which was clearing abnormally fast.
Nature sent a flock of birds flying in a V formation, which looked somewhat like a crooked arrow beseeching her to look at the direction the bus was approaching, but nary was a motion of her noted.
Nature gave up in disgust.
She missed her stop.
She persisted to look at the birds. She envied them. She wished she could fly.
Far away she saw an aeroplane. Fathom the arrogant adroitness of humans, they don’t cease to make the un-doable doable, she pondered. She smiled. She got lost in her random musings again.
She wished she had nine lives like the cats….
The first paragraph was full of tough words, though I could clearly why you needed to use them, to create the perfect figures of speech. But that was selfish on your part, in the sense, that you didn't care about the comfort of your readers, you cared only about the quality of your composition. [you know exactly which people I indicate by "readers"]
ReplyDeleteThe rest was wonderful. The concept was fresh, and brilliant. I've read almost similar stuff in poetry, but never in prose. I dunno how to categorise your post, because it's equally poetic and prosaic(=factual). The descriptions were very, very vivid. My best line would be the one in the third paragraph
"She let her mind wander and wonder about anything and everything possible, so that the randomness of her thoughts undergoing destructive interferences produced tumultuous wicked noises, banging all the twenty two bones of her skull to keep her awake."
On the whole, if I ignore the first paragraph, it's very well-written, indeed. [I'll soon run out of positive adjectives, if you keep writing such awesome posts.]
Well written, is what I can say!
ReplyDeleteThank You!
ReplyDeleteoyye... it was awesome!..
ReplyDeletekeep up the good work!
Very cool blog! I'm a follower!
ReplyDeleteMine is www.nycislandgal.com
Hope you like it and share the love by following me too! =)
LOL Sumit..
ReplyDeleteThanks Prashant and IGal.
Dude although it looks like well written...but it is so HARD to read...you use words which have secondary and tertiary meanings bro! and the use of some words are so medieval! Not one of your better posts for sure...I think its shows of a writer who is showing off...lighten the thing up brotha' !
ReplyDeletecheers though...at-least you did write
Anish, some words were written to convey multiple meanings, some weren't. A word might have several meanings, but all of them don't apply at the same time; we ought to see where it is used and the given context.
ReplyDeleteI am hopeful that my style of writing will change with time, the more I know and as I grow.
About the other criticisms, I've got nothing to say. I'll try to do away with those flaws.
I like the way the character of the girl was portrayed. And interesting concept of Nature being a man, never before has it been brought forth like that. :)
ReplyDeleteThank You! :)
ReplyDeleteNature is always a man. It heals,caresses.. what more can you want from a man? If you are a woman that is..
ReplyDeleteI love this.
ReplyDeleteI was this girl in my school days.. so I can relate..
Thank You! :)
ReplyDelete